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Feel Me   
05:31pm 26/07/2011

This ain't Superfly/
Bitch I'm a spider
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don't be frightened of office politics   
06:25pm 04/11/2007
  Anyone remember Cherry Popping Daddies? What the fuck was up with that?  
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11:21pm 28/10/2007
  If I fail as a journalist, I can always become a group therapist or Hollywood Actor/singer.  
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This is so true!   
11:18pm 28/10/2007
  Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals; and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became known as girliemen.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, fighter pilots, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberal women usually have higher testosterone levels than their men folk. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, IRS auditors, Hollywood Actors/singers, and group therapists are liberals. By the way, it was liberals that invented the designated hitter rule because they felt it was unfair to make a pitcher also have to bat.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted that a Liberal may have a strong urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tic them off.
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This is how I spend my time now. Mostly.   
11:50am 28/10/2007

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of productio n is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares no thing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of$20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers )

6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de la pr oducciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
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old meme   
02:11am 25/05/2007
By Matt Taibbi

52.Pope pisses himself just before the end; gets all over nurse.

51.After death, saggy, furry tits of dead Pope begin inexorable process of melting away into nothingness, like coldest of Sno-cones under faintest of suns.

50.Pope survives just long enough to be acquired by Isiah Thomas for Stephon Marbury, 2005 #1 pick and cash considerations. "We feel like we've made ourselves younger and more competitive," Thomas says.

49.After beating for the last time, Pope's heart sits there like a piece of hamburger.

48.Whole world waiting until the last minute for a sudden improvement of his condition. Long lines of girls in the Philippines kneeling and praying. Catholics everywhere with ears pressed to radios, transfixed. Pope gives one last groan, spits, dies.

47.Upon death, Pope's face frozen in sickening smile, eyes wide open and teeth exposed, like a baboon.

46.Beetles eating Pope's dead brains.

45.Pope departs Earth at a time when Hitch is top-grossing movie in the world.

44.Gurgling sound during embalming process; real fluids in dead Pope's body sucked out into jars.

43.POV Dead Pope: Last glimpse of overcast Italian sky as coffin lid closes for last time.

42.Get used to that quiet sound.

41.Humming old Polish folk song in there. That kills three minutes.

40.Humming it again, this time getting the words right. Another three minutes.

39.Can't move. Can't reach penis.

38.Somebody taking my job. My job!

37.Getting a little stuffy.

36.Naming all the different types of fish. Flounder, halibut, perch, goldfish, basking shark...no, do the sharks separately...really stuffy in here, gar, swordfish, manta ray, eels... No, don't think about eels. Eels are scary. Boy, is it dark in here. Four minutes gone by.

35.Doctor applies fingers to neck to check expiring Pope's pulse. Pope's ear falls off.

34.In heaven, Pope keeps wrapping cars around telephone poles.

33.Silverfish pops out of dead Pope's vestment for a moment, immediately ducks back in.

32.Priest who administers last rites to Pope excitedly calls mother afterward to tell her how well it went.

31.Dead Pope, still with baboon face, wheeled through corridors of Gemelli Polyclinic in Rome, learns answer to Great Mystery.

30.Michael Jackson too broke to buy Pope's bones.

29.New Pope inevitably ambitious cleric burning with earthly vigor and secret desire to undo dead Pope's legacy.

28.Bears everywhere shitting in woods.

27.We'll never get to hear his hilarious post-tracheotomy rendition of "Come on Eileen."

26.Pope recovers and survives until 2009; New York Press columnist Matt Taibbi beheaded by passing garbage truck, March 2, 2005.

25.LexisNexis search on phrase "the inner workings of the Vatican are shrouded in mystery" temporarily crashes system; Eric Alterman unable to search for press references to "What Liberal Media?" for 37 consecutive hours.

24.Pope spends last hours surrounded by cardinals who stand glaring at him with folded arms, silently reminding him of the political necessity of clinging to life.

23.Doctors examining the body discover that the Pope was not only a woman, but also Hitler.

22.Mankind scrambles to choose new leader of inflexible, sexually morbid institutional anachronism; heretofore anonymous bureaucrat will instantly be celebrated as world's holiest man as he travels to AIDS-stricken Africa to denounce the use of condoms.

21.Telltale white smoke emitting from Vatican chimneys announces a) choice of new Pope, and b) the fiery death of the 5000 back issues of Manscape and Hung Inches that had accumulated in the Vatican lobby.

20.Hall and Oates mulling comeback.

19.To the end, the Pope could only think of the poor and the downtrodden.

18.When he died, he stopped thinking of the poor and the downtrodden, and his face was frozen in that baboon smile, and he thought of nothing at all.

17.In his last days, the Pope was in tremendous pain.

16.NBC Nightly News intern pulls wrong tape from drawer full of long-ago archived video obits; world thinks Boris Yeltsin has died, wonders why Brian Williams is calling him an "inspirational spiritual leader."

15.Williams, after broadcast: "Who's Boris Yeltsin?"

14.Matt Lauer to Williams: "He wrote the Contract for America."

13.Just before death, Pope sits up in his bed, shrieks, his body bursts into flames; everyone runs from the room.

12.Sequoia, birch, maple, willow, palm, oak, pine, fir, maple—No, wait, I said maple already...

11.Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal...

10.You dirty rat. You dirty, double-crossing rat... Proxima estacion: Tibidabo. Tenga cuidado de las puertas deslizantes... It means woods and blanche means white, so the two together mean white woods... L'état— c'est moi! Don't think about eels, don't think about eels...

9.Bush on the tragic event: "Our thoughts and prayers go out to this great man and all of his many children."

8.Bush continued: "He touched all of us in places no one else could reach."

7. According to ancient tradition, the slamming shut of the Bronze Door in St. Peter's Square announces the death of the Pope.

6.Normal Vatican schedule closes that door at 8 p.m. every night and reopens it in the morning.

5.According to numerous reports, if the Pope dies at night this time, no one will know what to do. (This is not a joke.)

4.In 1958, reporters paid off Pope Pius XII's physician to throw open the hospital room window when the Pope died.

3.When a monsignor threw the window open to get some air, the Pope's death was erroneously reported all over the world.

2.This is what happens when weird old men in dresses communicate with the world with doors and chimneys.

1.Throw a marble at the dead Pope's head. Bonk!
04:02am 15/11/2006
  Carnage and vicious explosions, smoldering piles of car parts and Regina Spektor standing over my mangled corpse fucking my eye socket.

That's pretty much the crux of the somewhat awesome, generaly retarded personal narrative I've been attempting to write about my adventures in the kitchen and my almost completely uninteresting domestic life, which I fully intended to title "Here Comes Tomorrow", because ripping off my greatest influences means almost nothing to me anymore.

The other facet was the politics-music blog, "Headkickers". The only politics blog worth reading is Wonkette, but for some reason I thought I should write something. Thankfuly the elections were a very predictable disaster, so it ended up not meaning anything anyway.

As for the elections:

As Grover Norquist so aptly put it, emerging from the vortex of hate and fear that they appear to keep him in, "Don't throttle your mistress".

This was the moment to finish off the Republicans in districts that were trending Democratic, and to establish a new base of seats that the Democrats will hold for probably the next twenty years. Other than in Connecticut, that didn't happen (and even then the failure to get biggest of the fish, Chris Shays). The New York and New Hampshire pickups were neat, but John Sweeney only lost his seat for choking out his wife, and Tom Reynolds survived despite doing everything but fluffing Mark Foley. The missed chance at nailing Reynolds and Deborah Pryce also saved two important GOP leadership members who should have been fucking toast.

In the only competitive race in Washington state, Dave Reichert, despite being possibly clinicaly retarded and with nothing to show for his years of public service except being the guy who was in charge when the nearly twenty year old Green River Killer case ended, held his seat despite a strong, borderline hot, Democratic challenger in an already Democratic district.

Seven Democratic pickups in the House are all but guranteed to switch back to the Republicans in two years, mostly because the defeated incumbent was a degenerate, a thief, or worse. Sadly, whoever runs to retake Don Sherwood's seat in Pennsylvania probably has learned the political lessons about kicking in his mistresses teeth, which proved Sherwood's downfall in his 60% Republican district.

The Senate was nearly as bad. Jim Webb is a senator today because George Allen did everything but snatch black children up in the night and suck the marrow out of their bones, and Conrad Burns was so corrupt/fucking crazy he had primary challengers who were simply betting that he would be indicted before the general election. Both men lost by less than 1% of the vote. That's not to take anything away from John Tester or Webb, but Jesus. What if they had been running against normal human beings with morals and basic human decency?

Does that mean that the election was a total failure? No. Mostly because I think Nancy Pelosi as a national leader is going to be like watching a young, blood thirsty Mike Tyson, and for at least the next year she's going to pound her opposition to jelly. Also reading message boards where hordes of the politicaly obssesed, each nourishing personal "V for Vendetta" fantasies, grinds their teeth and weeps bitter tears at the betrayal of the new majority being more interested in improving the economic well being of the the poorest people in the country rather than an immediate rush to impeachment.

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05:05pm 15/09/2006
  Also, if you got your postcard (and only two of you apparently asked for one), you could comment here.

And what the fucking gay did they do to livejournal over the last six months?
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There will be words, or there will be death. One or the other.   
02:38pm 15/09/2006
  My physical person has been back from France and the Low Countries for about a day and a half now. My bodyclock is somewhere over the mid-Atlantic, throwing every incorrect clog and lever and making me feel pretty wretched. My mind, having been jarred free for almost two weeks from going about my general business of working every day and hoarding funds is Spinning Wildly with the possibility that maybe my life may not be in a terminal deathspin at the age of 23.


Little known facts about Paris:

-It really is very beautiful
-The French have a righteous and wonderful sense of style in most things
-The metro in Paris is a fantastic odyssey of urine and sweat smells
-The 10th Arrondissement, while bursting with incredible Indian food, is probably a place to get most surely knifed for scuffing a dudes Puma.
-There's other things that are slipping my mind.

I, uh, intended to write something here that would get me closer to five hundered words. My intentions very rarely match my output, but it would be for the best if you loved me anyway.
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Despite the fact that everythings in Dutch   
03:46pm 07/09/2006
  Amsterdam is a proven x500 better than where you presently are.

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05:16pm 24/07/2006
  I have two quotes for you:

"Excuse me to burst your bubble, but you don't have a clue what you would do if you had a friend who murdered someone. What kind of friend are you anyway? A fair weathef "I only like if you don't do terrible things?" type of friend?

-a MySpace poster responding to criticism of her friend who allegedly murdered, nearly decapitated, then burned, four people including two infants in the greater Seattle area last week.

"I mean, drop the Ebonics crap. There's times that I've gotten into conversation with people, and I don't know what they're saying to me, because it's Ebonics, and I don't wanna say, "What the hell are you even talking about? What?" And it -- I don't wanna say anything because I just don't want -- that's the whitest white guy ever. Like that's a slam. Let's speak the same language. "

-CNN personality Glenn Beck, on how he can't understand what colored people are saying to him.


I have nothing to really offer you on either, maybe with the possible exception that the MySpace defense could make for an outstanding "Top 8 Quiz":

7. Would u still be friendz wit number 7 if they took ur boo???
8. Would u still be friendz wit number 8 if they brutally murdered and then set on fire a pair of defenseless children?
9. Would u still be friendz wit number 2 if they lied to u????

The Glenn Beck thing just struck me as interesting not for the fact that it's horrifyingly stupid (which it is, and really, when was the last time you heard anyone standing for election get on their soapbox about fucking "Ebonics"?), but mostly that CNN chose this man as the person who would be their answer to inroads in the O'Reilly demographic.

Really, if you had to count on your one source for making sure that roaming groups of godless faggots don't come marauding through your corner of rural Nebraska, picking off your children and inter-racially marrying them in San Francisco tolerance gulags, would it really be this guy?

Fuck no.

I'd demand no less than Neal "recognize Islam as a religion of vicious, violent, bloodthirsty cretins" Boortz. The wager is too high to go with anything less.

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02:43am 05/07/2006
  Dear Internet,

First and foremost, thank you for the various birthday comments/cards/adorable animal photos. Even if our love is best maintained through reminder emails from hideously stupid social networking sites, that you care touches me in my special spot.

Er, seriously, thank you.

My last post seems to have been mangled slightly, and my commentary on England v. Trinidad appears to now read something to the tune of, "I want to club Trinidad and Tobago like baby seals". Maybe just Shaka Hislop.

We have internet in our home again for the next 12 hours because Samantha and I, in the midsts of gutting one of the rooms in our apartment, had to move the computer desk into the living room. Now its close enough to the cable outlet for a direct connection, and for easy theft for the first halfbright geek to come onto our porch and look through the window.

23 is considerably crueler than 22. Your friends are graduating college and will soon be the confident, well dressed young professionals that I now want to hold down and saw the head off of. My Cavalier looks more and more like a discarded prop from Mad Max, and won't fit in with those shiny new Volkswagens and MiniCoopers. I silently despise those who took better advantage of the choices and chances they where given. I have warning signs of glaucoma in my left eye and my back doesn't work. I stand as the heir to a family history of sloth, substance abuse, selfish intentions and lives lived to absolutely no point.

Honestly, I'm fucking terrified in ways I've never been in my life.

I did a delivery to the senate campaign of Mike McGavick Monday morning. I went knowing that I was taking payment from his election chief of staff, and that if only I could make some cutting, smart ass remark, I would feel that I achieved something. This man, or his Democratic party counterpart, the equally rich and equally banal Maria Cantwell, will pursue a policy of fucking me, you, and everyone you care about for the rest of their lives, and at least here I could say something. Anything.

It was a major media day, the campaign bus was there, the local news stations were setting up, an army of college aged "Friends of Mike!" were getting instructions for setting up. If you want to realize immediatley what a fucking powerless nobody you are, stand before a phalanx of Young Republicans and know your place. I made the delivery and left without saying a word, even forgoing the retarded pleasentries that kind of make me feel like my soul is being ripped directly out my eyes whenever I say them.

Long story short, its nearly three AM, and I've nothing really to say.
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01:36pm 15/06/2006
  I'm once more 115% off the grid; a mixture of the fact that the moments I'm not working are filled with Live World Cup Action Brought To You (Poorly) By ESPN, and the more pressing fact that I have not the foggiest fucking clue how to get my Wireless Network to function correctly. I fucking loathe technology, but I can't help but feel that if I replaced my current cellphone, which Genghis used as a chew toy, with one that could beam advertisements and snippets of Yellowcard songs directly into the base of my brain I would be a happier person.

I'm going on my first vacation in almost five years tomorrow, having beaten the combined might of Trinidad and Tobago this morning, are going to be clubbed and skinned like baby seals in the second round, and the internet is full of wretched whores. I think we're done here.

(Except you Faith, honest to God, I will reply to that damned email soon.)
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11:22pm 27/05/2006
  In response to my last post about the National Reviews Top Fifty Conservative songs, regardless of the songs context or real intent, I'd like to present my favorite Retarded Fucking Hillbilly Incest Song, "American Soldier" by Toby Keith.

"I'm just trying... be a lover... to... a daughter... don't do it for the glory. I just do it anyway... I've counted up the cost, I know the sacrifice... Sleep in peace tonight". What Toby Keith is trying to say here is that he realizes its wrong, but he fucks his daughter anyway.

Great, Thanks.
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04:36pm 25/05/2006
  Scenes from my Workplace, Part I:

"How about you guys actually do some dishes or something," the waitress asked pointedly, glaring at us.

My coworker turned, his eyes focusing on her in mute shock over being interrupted in the middle of his "1,000 Reasons Why Barry Bonds Is A Cunt" monologue.

"How about you get the fuck out of my kitchen," he replied. She turned slowly and walked back into the dining room. He took a sip from his drink and called after her, "good thing that degree from the UW worked out so well for you!"

End Scene


On a scale of Douchebaggery ranging from 1 to 10, the National Review usualy scores about a 9. Their "Top 50 Conservative Songs" rates about a 15. Join me, won't you?

28. "Janie's Got a Gun," by Aerosmith.
How the right to bear arms can protect women from sexual predators: "What did her daddy do? / It's Janie's last I.O.U. / She had to take him down easy / And put a bullet in his brain / She said 'cause nobody believes me / The man was such a sleaze / He ain't never gonna be the same."

Or how about....

47. "One," by Creed.
Against racial preferences: "Society blind by color / Why hold down one to raise another / Discrimination now on both sides / Seeds of hate blossom further."

Scott Stapp's thoughts about Black Privledge not quite got you their? How about Bob Dylan's artistic peak.

12. "Neighborhood Bully," by Bob Dylan.
A pro—Israel song released in 1983, two years after the bombing of Iraq's nuclear reactor, this ironic number could be a theme song for the Bush Doctrine: "He destroyed a bomb factory, nobody was glad / The bombs were meant for him / He was supposed to feel bad / He's the neighborhood bully."




Fer reals.

And, uh, that's it.
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07:11pm 18/05/2006
  A description of the Ving Rhames sex scene in the motion picture "Baby Boy", via KidsInMind.com:

A naked couple is having sex very loudly, and we see them as the woman is on the man's lap with her legs around him, while he's hopping around the room. During this scene she's exclaiming and commenting excitedly that she "loves to ride"; her adult son hears them through his bedroom wall and becomes upset.

Holy fucking shit.
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07:09pm 18/05/2006
Poll #731730 en response: 'for ma girlz'

On a scale of '1' being incredibly useful, to '10' being life changing, how would you rate that last post

Mean: 6.00 Median: 6 Std. Dev 3.10

Does your man really respect you?

I previously thought 'yes', but your previous post changed my mind
Not Applicable/Secretly self hating gay

"Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women." But it worked in "Baby Boy", didn't it?

Jesus Christ, who's fucking idea was the sex scene with Ving Rhames?
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for ma girlz   
06:56pm 18/05/2006
  To all my girly's please read, This is sooooo True!!

If a man wants YOU....

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, SPEAK UP. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him, he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Share this with other ladies..... You'll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare. They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Never Forget

* "If you need a hand ... use mine"
* "Emancipate yourself from mental slavery, none but ourselves can free our

fucking animals/death to the internet/last livejournal post of the millenium   
03:07pm 09/05/2006
mood: accomplished
In honor of my first two days off in a row since February, we will be having what I would like to call, "A Day Without Ryan".

I will be boycotting the Magic Dragon chain of Chinese food restaraunts, the couch, and Samantha, to show these fucking people that we are not to be fucked with.

The march will begin at the corner of Fourth and Madison, outside the Dutch modernist hyperplex library, and continue until I get tired.

Frightened white people start planning your counter-protests now, before the Mexicans are marrying your daughters.
The internet is serious business   
04:40pm 13/04/2006
  Please fill out the following honestly:

Poll #709809 Grillz

How'd you get your grill that way?

And how much did you pay?

Will you rob me a jewelery store and make me a grill?

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